So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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