Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
