Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
