I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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