they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
