There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
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I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
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I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life