dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.