I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
