Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
