you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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