Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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