I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
