Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
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Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
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Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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