i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
