ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
