Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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