The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
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Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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