Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
