the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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