You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
