The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
