Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
