evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
