...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
