I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
