I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
