i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he was CRYING into my vagina
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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