i think i have two assholes
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
