i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
