my soul wont recognize me after tonight
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
