so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
