I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
