Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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