Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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