i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize