He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
