My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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