Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
