I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
