Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
