Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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