oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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