I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
