dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
