We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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