I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
