tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
