don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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