Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
