He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
