You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Randomize
