I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
