Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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