I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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