I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
