Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
