I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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