i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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