then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
