She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
